Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
I am large, I contain multitudes.-Walt Whitman
Sometimes I think "this isn't me, I'm nothing like this! or at least I didn't used to be." Does anyone else ever feel this way? Some days I feel like this, like there are so many Camry's, and I wonder who am I really?
Once I was a simple girl, who didn't care how she dressed, loved to run barefoot, and wanted to live on a farm forever. I wore overalls, and milked goats. Who was that? Where did she go?
Once I was a student, who studied endlessly. I lived in the "big" city and rode my bike to school. I was smart, I was witty. I conquered all tests. I thrived on life's busy-ness. Where is that girl now?
Once I was a waitress, I worked hard, and stood on my feet all night. I put on makeup and curled my hair and made myself beautiful so I could get better tips. Who was that girl? I don't even know how to apply makeup.
Once I was an artist. I sculpted, and I loved to sketch. I had people commission me to make urns for their dead father, and I had people commission me to make their wedding cake topper. I was creative, and I was good. Where did that talent go? Who made those beautiful things?
Once I was a seamstress. I sewed beautiful quilts, and bridesmaid dresses. My own wedding dress was made on my Pfaff, that sits untouched in a closet. Who was that girl?
Once I was a wife and mother. I gave my family every bit of love I had. I gave up sleep, I nurtured, I served. That is who I am right now. Sometimes I feel so unaccomplished, and so uncultured, but I know this is my life's greatest work.
Life sometimes seems mundane and I wonder who I am. But I know. I look back, and I know. I'm learning to enjoy the small victories: The girl who wanted to live on a farm forever now has lettuce growing up her front entry way, and rejoices when she finds "Easter eggs" from the hens she keeps in her backyard. The girl who loved to learn, still collects knowledge as she reads up on topics that interest her now, like midwifery, homebirth, and the effects of healthy food on our bodies and minds. The waitress doesn't have to worry about tips anymore, she has a husband who lovingly cares for her needs and her wants. The artist gets to watercolor with her children, and does dabble in the occasional coloring book, and after an especially beautiful crayon masterpiece, still signs the bottom with her artist signature. The seamstress makes doll clothes for her little girl, and makes baby quilt tops for her Relief Society service projects with a neighbor down the street. And the wife and mother gets to experience all the incredible joys, and lowest of lows that come from striving to make a home and family. And everyday I realize how amazing my children are becoming!
So even though I sometimes wonder... Where did I go? I realize: I still have all the pieces of me. I am large, I contain multitudes, so sometimes I don't see everything that I am. But I am still here. I evolve, and I change, but I am still.... just ME.
So while it isn't actually Springtime, Tucson begs to differ. And the Tuckers are loving every minute of it. In fact we even got our garden planted (seeds in a plastic green house, inside until the weather is sure it is Spring!) Happy Spring everyone!
